I AM DONE!!

Frustration, frustration, frustration! For years I’ve asked myself why I rely on people so much & trust that what they say they are going to do they will do? At my ripe age of 28, I should have learned NOT to count on people because usually they only let me down. Maybe my expectations are too high but I don't see that I expect too much. Just a little courtesy would be nice. They say they will call but they never call, they say they will see you soon but they never do, they claim that things are fine but things are NOT fine! I ALWAYS set myself up to always be let down. I shouldn’t expect things just because people promise them. In this difficult situation a person in my life who I consider a teacher, an inspiration & a true friend has let me down AGAIN. This has continually happened throughout our friendship so why do I even try to stay friends with this person? Because I am so DAMN insecure I think I need this person in my life when obviously I don’t because they only cause me pain & anger. Why do I find it okay to put myself in hurtful friendships? It’s NOT okay! Ugh…I’m letting go of this person. I don’t need them in my life. I am a good person & I deserve to be treated with RESPECT!

Help me...

Lord I want to love you, yet I’m not sure.
I want to trust you, yet I’m afraid of being taken in.
I know I need you, but I’m ashamed of the need,
I want to pray, but I’m afraid of being a hypocrite.
I need my independence, yet I fear to be alone.
I want to belong, yet I must be myself.
Take me, Lord, yet leave me alone.
Lord, I believe, help me with my unbelief.
O, Lord, if you are there, you do understand, don’t you?
Give me what I need, but leave me free to choose.
Help me work it out my own way, but don’t let me go.
Let me understand myself, but don’t let me despair.
Come unto me, O Lord, I want you there.
Lighten my darkness, but don’t dazzle me.
Help me to see what I need to do, and give me
The strength to do it.O Lord, I believe, help me with my unbelief

Summer Vacation!

As some of you know I had a little of a summer vacation! Ok, I wouldn't call it a vacation but it was a great oppurtunity to get to know myself. I spent some time at a beautiful cabin in the mountains & with absolutely beautiful people that taught me more than I ever thought I could learn! I made wonderful friends, friends that will last a lifetime! They are like family now to me & I love each & every one of them!! We even did some fishing & the lakes were BEAUTIFUL! Here's just a few pictures from my vacation.

***HaLlOwEen 2008***

Well Halloween wasn't quite what we would have expected!! Mason decided that he didn't need a nap that day so by the time we tried to take him trick or treating, he chose to throw a tantrum instead of trick or treat!! The whole neighborhood could hear him screaming. He wanted to just go in people's yards & kiss all their decorations instead of get candy. As you can see by his poor face, he looks tortured!! But he was a good sport & loved his monkey costume but he just didn't want to do the dirty work to get his candy...

GIVE IT BACK

You consume my life,
My every thought,
My every move,
Why are you doing this?
You have nothing to prove-
You have only proved you can
Steal someone’s soul-
You have left me empty,
You have left me with nothing but a hole-
A hole in my heart-
A hole in my mind-
I thought you were the friend
I needed to find-
You betrayed me, you took
The best of me-
Now I want it back,
I want to be free-
Free of your confusion,
Free of your hurt-
Free of your control-
Damn it, I’m begging you please
Give me back my soul-

Numb....

I can't understand the facts of life that are laid so perfectly in front of me. I'm contanstly fighting the battle & trying to control things in my life that are NOT controllable. I'm forgetting to turn them over to a power greater than myself. That power is who I choose to call God. Why can't I understand that if I just turn my self will & life over to him, he will do what's right for me. It's such an easy concept but yet so hard to do. I cannot control people, places or things but yet I still continue to try. Dwelling on the person, situation or place instead of just controlling my feelings & changing the way I'm thinking about the situation. UGH, so frustrating! I just want to let it all go. Turn my burdens over to something greater than myself so that I don't have to carry all the weight alone. I've carried my weight alone for way too long so "just for today" I will trust in God to do what's right for me & not my self will...

Another day in the fast lane...

Currently I’m living a life in the fast lane & forgetting to live in the moment & appreciate what’s going on around me right now, so my prayer of the day hit me hard. I can’t slow down for a minute. My mind feels it needs to stay busy all the time & considering what I’m going through right now, staying busy is all that’s keeping me from insanity. And of course Mason keeps me sane! He reminds me everyday of what I am living for since so often I forget what my purpose is here on earth. He is my life…I’m so thankful God trusted me enough with one of his children to raise…he is my child as much as he is a child of God. Okay, before I get all spiritual, here it is:

Lord, slow me down.
Ease the pounding of my heart by quieting my mind.
Steady my hurried pace. Give me, in the confusion of my day,
The calmness of everlasting hills. Break the tension of my nerves
And muscles. Help me to know the magical, restoring power of sleep.
Teach me to take minutes vacations by slowing down to look at
A flower or a could, to chat with a friend, to pat a dog , to read
A few lines from a good book. Remind me that the race is not
Always to the swift, that there is more to life than increasing speed.

Let me look upward into the branches of the towering oak and
Know that it grew great and strong because it grew slowly and well.

Lord, slow me down. Inspire me to send my roots deep into the soul
Of life’s enduring values that I may grow toward the starts of my great destiny!!